12.22.2011 -- One Year Later

iTunes is on shuffle and Rathbone's "Long Road" came on just as I titled this post.  Thanks Rathbone (and Phil, for making me the mix with that song on it) ...ain't it the truth.  A year ago today I went under the knife in an attempt to fix my voice; it's most definitely been a long road from then till now, although I'm not entirely sure a milestone has been reached, other than that of 1 year.

I wish I could say that the surgery was the key to unlocking my voice. I think it was definitely one key, and the talented doctor himself was another key, and Isha is also a key... But lately I get the impression that my voice is behind a door with a ton of locks, latches, chains and deadbolts; like an inner-city apartment door, or the door to the home of a paranoid schizophrenic or someone with extreme OCD...you get the idea. So, I guess now it's just a matter of collecting all the keys.

So what has this year since surgery seen? It's hard to write about this tonight, and to internalize the anniversary. This month has been pretty bad, vocally, and tonight is far from an exception--I feel like someone punched me in the throat. I'm not sure if I should chalk it all up to a bout of food poisoning that had me in fits at the beginning of December; all the muscle contractions involved in vomiting, not to mention the acid, can't be good at all for the cords. I haven't had this much trouble talking since the summer. In fact, November was incredible and the months leading up to it felt like a steady ascent to the heights of vocal rebirth. Those closest to me will nod in agreement at reading that it's been a long while since I ended a phone call early due to vocal fatigue or have even complained about my voice! As far as I was concerned it was all over, but now this... I'm trying to not think too much about it. It's only a voice after all.

Well, maybe...but for such a small thing, this old voice of mine has certainly changed my life in some drastic and incredible ways. Since my genius of a doctor (who I am now blessed enough to call my genius of a friend!) operated on me--one year ago today--these two tiny cords have been powerful catalysts for some major moves.  Let's see how this year has gone:

• Dec.22.10 - Surgery
• Jan.22.11 - I escape a soul-crushing, negative relationship 
• Feb.3.11 - I take Inner Engineering with Sadhguru in Los Angeles. I infuse my life with a level of spirituality that I have never before known.
• Feb.10.11 - Charged with the greatness of the program, I quit my job with Lush. Deciding that 6 weeks of medical leave isn't enough and not wanting to rush myself back into a life I am suddenly unsure of, I turn down a promotion and massive pay raise.
• Feb.10.11 - Later that same day I call and cancel a lease for my dream apartment in Old City--180 degrees of windows, 20 ft ceilings, 4 blocks from my dear friend Lauren, cobblestone streets--resigned to the fact that I won't be calling Philadelphia home for a while. I have an inexplicable feeling that my voice problems are much deeper that I previously imagined. I sense my life is about to get unrecognizable to me.
• Feb.16.11 - I board a flight to India with a plan to be back by March 10. 
• March.5.11 - My first 2 weeks in India are full of events that make me cry hysterically, laugh hysterically and experience a whole host of other emotions I have very little prior experience with. I decide to change my flight because I don't want to leave without letting myself feel these things more deeply. I want to be at the ashram as long as possible. I somehow know that this man I have started to call my guru is going to take care of me. This realization changes my life. 
• May.19-22.11 - After 3 months of devotion, surrender, upheaval, beauty, grace, and a whole lot of confusion, I fly to Tennessee to be with my guru again for Bhava Spandana Program. My life changes in ways I cannot, to this day, manage to express. 
• Summer.2011- I spend the summer traveling and reconnecting with my friends across the country as well as reconnecting with my life at home after a massive derailing of all I was living before I left on this journey. Highlights as follow:
• June: I spend a week with Liza in New York where I am introduced to her amazing arsenal of friends--including her partner Geoff and bestie Adam--all of whom unknowingly change my mindset and ease my transition into my new expression of life. I get swallowed up into a soothingly familiar and yet excitingly unfamiliar friendship with a dear friend that I never stopped loving! She reminds me not to take anything too seriously. Life is an adventure. Life is for us. I am superhuman.  
• July: I am reunited with Becca in a way that truly honors our friendship...a Phish festival in Watkins Glen, NY over her birthday weekend! Watching the fireworks explode overhead as Trey busted out First Tube to end the weekend, feeling the bass boom in my chest, watching Becca's face and knowing that we were in the same space...Being with the phamily, dancing and feeling that sense of community, devotion, and total involvement with something--I made the connection. It was the first time that my experiences in India found a parallel at home. I felt settled. I knew I could move forward from here...

And moving forward is what I've been doing ever since. Every day is something of a blessing, if for no other reason than that I recognize them as such. More than anything else, my voice troubles have forced me to open up my life, tear all the walls down and free up as much as is in my power to free. I reclaimed my journey in this world. 

So, one year later...am I better?  I am stronger, more disciplined, more loving and compassionate. I am kinder to myself, more merciful, more understanding, more patient. I am more aware of my place in the this world and my effect on others. I am humble, devoted, grateful. I found some slivers of grace. I consciously create beauty around me.  Even if my voice doesn't always come out clear, even when some days it's hard to breathe, even if it hurts sometimes... I am much better.  So much better.

Special Thanks To:   

- My beloved Sadhguru, for being with me;

- Venu, in addition to skillfully injecting my vocal cords with...something medical, for also tenderly but forcefully injecting my life with grace and love, and for being a well-polished mirror;

- Rebecca, for being the wisest woman I know, and for using that wisdom to selflessly and compassionately guide me through the rockiest 18 months of my life...and for loving me every step of the way;

- my family, for supporting all these changes and lovingly trying to understand them as well, my parents for letting me back in, my siblings for also being my best friends, and especially my grandfather, for constantly surprising me with his open-mindedness and clarity;

- Liza, for your energy, fire and lack of bullshit;

- Two Horses, for your turquoise and for reappearing at just the right moment; and

- Tyler, for releasing the key to the rustiest and most difficult lock, and letting me go.