Limitless

Spiritually speaking, there is a concept of boundlessness that reminds us that there is no distinction between what we call ourselves and what we view as separate from us; this includes other people, animals...even inanimate things like sand, grass, earth.  Most of the time, it's really hard for me to remember that this is true.  Forgetting, on a small scale, usually manifests in me being judgmental, losing my patience, or having unproductive thoughts. On a larger scale, though, forgetting leads to feelings of isolation and sadness. You feel alone and weird...out of touch, disconnected to the world around you.

But when this limitlessness comes over you, this connection to your life, it's like being plugged in. This whole life force charges through you like currents of electricity and tries to find any way to surge out of you. Most of the time this happens for me in this odd (to others, watching me) half-smile/half-giggle face and erratic, giddy movements and bubbling, nonsensical speech. At its core, it's this very distinct sensation where you feel like your world is completely open and anything can happen at any moment and the best part this twinkle in your brain that tells you that it probably will.

Let's make a list, shall we?

Things that give me the intense, visceral sensation that everything is possible and absolutely nothing is out of reach:

1. Being productive at the coffee shop, especially when that includes crossing things off TO DO lists or turning out pages of brilliant, hilarious writing.
2. Finishing a New York Times crossword puzzle.
3. Spin classes.
4. Stopping to take in the beauty of any aspect of nature. Giving the world a chance to stun you with its inexplicable awesomeness. 
5. Being with Becca in any capacity. The fact that I have this beautiful person in my life is sometimes just too much to handle. She teaches me about real relationships and I am a better person for knowing her. xx
6. Laughing and laughing and laughing until I hurt.
7. Doing my Shambhavi Maha Mudra kriya every day. There's a feeling during the last 5 minutes where I'm sitting silently and I feel like my body disintegrates and I'm just a bunch of dust motes in a ray of sunlight (in a vaguely Elyssa-like shape).
8. Being reminded that my siblings are my best friends, and they always will be.
9. Dancing when no one's watching me. (Lately, especially to this song down here:)

10. Seeing Phish... locking into Trey's energy when he loses himself in the music and thinking I might just melt into the ground, feeling Mike's bass thump in my chest and my stomach, letting Page's effortless twinklings lift my whole being to another level, and watching Fishman sweat it out and keep some of the most complicated rhythms I've ever heard... Looking around at the phamily all around me and just massaging the perma-grin cramps out of my cheek muscles and knowing that I am part of something musically, socially and emotionally epic...

look at those faces!!! ahhhh!!

11. Getting invited to the Symphony by an intensely handsome man.
12. Trying on new dresses for said Symphony date...or new clothes for any date, really, because being on that brink of potential connection with someone is really unparalleled.
13. The Beatles. Especially Sgt. Pepper, and even more specifically: "Within You, Without You" ...oh George, I wish I knew you.. 

We were talking-about the space between us all
And the people-who hide themselves behind a wall of illusion
Never glimpse the truth-then it's far too late-when they pass away.
We were talking-about the love we all could share-when we find it
To try our best to hold it there-with our love
With our love-we could save the world-if they only knew.
Try to realise it's all within yourself
No-one else can make you change
And to see you're really only very small,
And life flows within you and without you.
We were talking-about the love that's gone so cold and the people,
Who gain the world and lose their soul-
They don't know-they can't see-are you one of them?
When you've seen beyond yourself-then you may find, peace of mind,
Is waiting there-
And the time will come when you see
we're all one, and life flows on within you and without you

14. Running along roads you drive on daily and seeing things that you'd never see from your car. (Such as:)

15. Reading Kerouac, especially anything taking place in the Village... I imagine I can recreate that life for myself in a modern way...of course with friends on the level of William S. Burroughs, Gary Snyder, Allen Ginsberg, et al.
16. Being in Manhattan.  (I am blessed to have the most generous and amazing sister in the universe who puts me up in a blissful apartment... and when I stare out those picture windows at the sun rising over that magical skyline, and then when I watch it set over the river later in the night and paint the sky a million shades of sunset, it gives me a sensation of fearlessness and invincibility that is untouchable.)

sunset over the Hudson

17. Playing guitar with little kids.
18. Speaking languages other than English. 
19. Calling an old friend and catching up like no time has passed. Knowing that you have the kind of connection with someone that time can't erode is pretty incredible.
20. Realizing that you have a LOT in common with someone who you've known for years and years but never took the time to get to know.
21. Crying for no reason. Maybe this seems weird to put on here...but it makes me feel boundless because to me it means that I am being touched by things that I'm not aware of, which means that my heart is open. <3
22. Traveling fearlessly and spontaneously. Getting lost in unfamiliar cities and not caring.
23. Thinking about learning the harmonica. No, I haven't actually started playing yet, but just the idea of soulfully blowing into a harp brings me to a level of unrestrained joy. Perhaps its the feeling that I'm that much closer to my beloved Bobby Dylan that contributes to this...
24. Keeping my mouth shut and listening, even when I have the burning desire to speak... and learning from the resulting experience.
25. Practicing yoga. (The other day my instructor told me that I had a "beautiful practice" and that it was a "pleasure to watch" me... I don't think any compliment has ever come close to touching how that one made me feel.)
26. Giving thanks for each and every aspect of my life. Pleasant, unpleasant, desired and undesired alike...I give thanks for it all, because everything is an opportunity to grow more and more boundless and grow closer to the divine...

I am smiling hugely right now. Happy Thanksgiving to my family--those related by blood, those across the ocean, and those I've never met... We are all one, and we are all limitless.

Camping in my own home

Oh, hello again. It's been a while. This lapse is on account of the fact that I was forced to live without power for 11 days recently. The experience was...well... it was an experience!

It all started one crazy morning in late October. I had been up since 5AM and was waiting in line with other like-minded, devoted (read: crazy) people for tickets to Phish's four-night New Years run at Madison Square Garden. After a complete shut out (damn you Ticketmaster) for NYE, which is really all we cared about, and "scoring" 6 tickets for every other night, I left the mall feeling haggard from lack of sleep and tons of ticket related anxiety. All I could think about was how good it was going to feel to make a bag of popcorn and watch Netflix. Mother nature had other plans for me.

It was snowing when I walked outside--this wet, blustery, sideways snow that never means good things to come. I got home within 20 minutes and within 20 minutes of that our power was out. I was mildly inconvenienced; this would obviously throw a wrench into the works of my plans to be a vegetable in the body-eating recliner in the basement. I kept waiting for it to come back on. It didn't.

(Here are some pictures of the FIRST HOUR of this storm.. the first hour...)

look how sideways this snow is! ah!

After two hours or so, I ended up going outside and fighting the accumulation on the driveway as best I could so that mom could actually pull the car in when she arrived home. I started at one end and by the time I got to the other end the side I started with was covered again. Futile.

That night ended up being sort of fun. Jarod was home with his girlfriend and we had this fab evening sitting by a roaring fire J made and vacillating between talking, not talking, listening to music, sitting in silence... It was peaceful and great. (Check it out):

yep, those are marshmallows.. duh, we had an open flame..

The next morning was fun, too. Mom cooked a feast on the grill and we all ate together. The following night was also pretty adventuresome. After that first 24 hours, though...things just got rough.

morning s'mores..obviously.

had to brew coffee on the grill.. at least it brought me back to my roots

The first 3 nights were cold. I mean freezing. I was sleeping in every item on the clothing food chain, all the way up to my head, and still waking up 4-5 times in the middle of the night having to jump around because I was so cold. I think on the 4th morning I actually woke up with little frozen tears in my eyes from having sobbed from sheer misery through the night. Haha...no... but really... it was COLD! Then mom pulled some magical miracle and did some heat override thing (??) and suddenly we had heat. That basically ensured that I could sustain this power outage for what ended up being only 3 more days. Then I melted down again. (This brought me to day 6... Little did I know I was only at the half-way point here.)

Trust me, as I'm writing this, I fully acknowledge the spoiled bratty-ness of it all, the first-worldliness of the whole disaster. But honestly, what do I have in my own experience to compare it to? I will say I AM grateful for a few things relating to this ridiculous nor'easter:   

(1) although the damage caused by dozens of trees and gigantic limbs that fell was considerable, nothing actually fell on or through our roof (just our poor shed)...

(2) my dad was at Avon Health Center (with fully functional generators!!) recuperating in the care of capable individuals and didn't have to be home for this nightmare... also, selfishly (yes, it's my blog, I can admit here I acted in my own interests!), I got to charge all my devices when I would visit (fab perk of visiting but obviously not the reason for my visits.... ok... maybe the reason that my visits were so long)  
(3) my grandfather finally conceded and came over to spend the night with us, which turned into this fantastic evening of delicious (grill-cooked) food *check out those pics down there!* and like 5 games of Rummikub (I love my grandpa, he might be the greatest grandfather in history... I challenge anyone to debate this with me)

you better believe I cooked muscles on the grill.. i also seared some killer scallops... i don't play!

 
(4) we saved a lot of money on lights and cable
(5) I went 11 days without getting sucked into any garbage television marathons like the Real Housewives of [any US city] or anything on TLC ...someone keeps DVRing these shows... hmm...  
(6) I had occasion to use my headlamp for the second time in one calendar year, which is more than I anticipated when I initially bought it
(7) I made a couple of really awesome new friends because I was so under-stimulated and bored with myself after day 9 that I forced myself to branch out and was rewarded accordingly! (hooray for Julia and Curt)
(8) I think I lost a pound or two because I was frankly too damn lazy to come up with creative things to do with the random food we had left after the first 3 days, not to mention I grew weary of grilling...


Being uncomfortable is interesting. Comfort is this weird, beastly thing that tricks us into doing things that aren't always good for us just because those things sometimes make us happy, or elicit some response that we recognize or, I dunno, feed this hungry troll in our brain that lives on hugs, Ben & Jerry's ice cream, Starbucks, and positive reinforcement. Obviously I could manage to live a normal life despite the absence of hugs, over-priced soy lattes and compliments (Ben & Jerry's I'm not so sure about...), but these things make me feel comfortable. Sort of how flipping a switch when you walk into windowless bathroom and knowing that a light will go on to save you from accidentally peeing in the tub is comforting, I depend on these things to get me through my days without friction. But friction is so crucial to growth, really.  Well, scientifically speaking, who knows if friction=growth... I really doubt that equation exists anywhere in science. Physics never thrilled me...

You know what I mean though. How are we ever going to break boundaries and cross thresholds if we just chill comfortably, cuddling with someone who unconditionally adores us as we down pint after pint of Cherry Garcia?? We won't! Anyway, I learned a lot about myself during this little New England disaster (and I mean in addition to learning that I kill on the grill and that I prefer reading like a spelunker than with an actual reading lamp).

Ultimately, the power returned in a manner that was sufficiently equal in extreme coolness to the level of hellish uncoolness of the prior 11 days.  In response to a pleading, desperate text about my boredom, the latter of my aforementioned new friends (who I can't name again because I have a nagging feeling he will demand royalties due to the insanely popular nature of this blog) said: "It will come back on soon, trust me... I am a wizard." I was outside grilling my dinner at the time. Two seconds later, all the ambient deck lighting goes on. I died a little. Some people see stars, I saw exclamation points. My wizard friend is better than your wizard friend. Win!

So I'll just leave you with talk of wizards, these vague statements about discomfort leading to growth that I won't elaborate on because I'm tired and getting lazy, and also with this much-more-fascinating-than-my-writing, hypnotic video of my evening entertainment for most of this black-out experience... Thanks for reading! xx