Unison Falling Into Harmony

In addition to the weather being simply unreal (I’m sitting on my deck wearing a scant amount of clothing as I’m writing this and my weather widget says 81 degrees which honestly sounds like an underestimate considering the amount I’m sweating), this day has been special above and beyond the normal. 

Do you ever get the sense that some days are the blissful convergence of many days, weeks, even months prior, where these past moments have laid the foundation stones—many times taking the form of confusing events, lessons learned, experiences that you couldn’t quite make sense of at the time—for this one moment where everything suddenly becomes clear?  Maybe it’s not an “ah-ha” moment that allows you to fully process the whats and the whys of your experience, a moment where you feel like the heavens are shining beaming rays of light down upon your perfectly clear head… But at its core it is a series of moments (in my case a whole day!) that are aligned in such a way as to honor the past and give meaning to the journey that brought this day to you.

It’s like suddenly all these things that happened over the past however long suddenly take their rightful place on this timeline of events that make up your life; events that you couldn’t plan for, journeys you didn’t set out on, or paths you didn’t intend to follow…they become more lucid in the light of these perfect days, these divine moments.

Today this spiritual alignment took many forms. I won’t give you a complete retelling of the experiences that led me here, partly because I haven’t fully processed meaning, weight, or implications, and partly because I want to own it first, bring that energy in and internalize the feelings. I want to bathe in this as it washes over me! But here is the highlight reel of the precipitates:

The day started with a peaceful, loving, supportive yoga practice at a new studio that I found. Mingled with this chance to deepen my practice and share in positive energy with others was a reconnection with an old friend. I felt that sharing a yoga practice with her and creating this positive energy together was a charming way to honor our past friendship and to pave the way for new experiences. I arrived home to a peaceful house and sat for my Shambavi on the deck. My practice was focused but mindless; it was what I strive for every day with my practices. I was transported to India, to a sadhana hall at the ashram, and I felt my guru all around me—a presence I haven’t felt for a very long time…too long.

Sadhguru

He brought me thoughts of acceptance (a theme carried over from Stephanie, this morning’s yoga instructor) and this is something that challenges me in my daily life: giving myself permission to fully accept everything that I am, the things that are happening to me, my physical pain, my weaknesses, the thoughts that don’t seem to ever stop, the doubts and fears.  (As a side note: I do believe that acceptance holds the key to my physical recovery…but I’ve yet to figure out just how to harness this into something tangible that I can propel into a full convalescence.) 

As I sat in the space that I created for myself, in the stillness of my practice, I was flooded with ...Patrick. Not necessarily thoughts of Patrick, but the experience of him.  The beautiful part about this is that my experience of Patrick is limited to a few mere hours. Granted these hours were highly charged and guided by our master, but even while at the mercy of a powerful, unparalleled magnetism pulling me toward someone who was a total stranger to me (at least on the physical plane), I don’t think I ever fully absorbed the magnitude of our connection and how Sadhguru, or the universe, or … elevated us to a place that I imagine few people ever experience.

It’s hard for me to keep writing this now as I find my eyes welling up and my throat getting tight with a lump of undefined emotions that are trying to find expression. Right now it’s happiness, overwhelming happiness…relief, peace, a sense of rightness, of timeliness, of alignment. I called Patrick and he answered, and I was blessed with a small fraction of an hour graced by his voice and his smile that I can always hear through the receiver…a joy I haven’t experienced in far too long.  But today, being special, neither the reasons for the distance nor the fear of judgment for those reasons mattered.  All that mattered was this connection, this love, and for the first time in a very long time I felt compelled to wear the necklace that I had long ago thrown off for disbelief of its inscription: omnia vincit amor.  Maybe love really does conquer all.

Lunch with my brother followed which made me feel peaceful and settled. It was my first meal of the day, and he had offered to cook it for me. So I contributed some killer sautéed spinach and we called it even as we sat on the deck and ate in near silence, just appreciating each other’s presence…we don’t get these moments too often these days.  A Frisbee toss followed and illuminated the chemistry between Jarod and I that comes from being such similar people at heart. Unencumbered by the loads of mental crap that I usually pile on myself daily, I was able to connect with him on this awesome level where our oneness is not at all hard to see. It’s tough not to smile at that. :)

Jarod left for school and before I had time to process the solitude, my phone rang.  It was my friend and mentor, Venu, who has lovingly and patiently guided me through this foreign spiritual journey over the past 10 months. It was a brief conversation, but perfectly timed, as seems to be our practice. I reconnected to the path I’m on and I felt that sense of relief wash over me again, this time underlined by thoughts that I’m being looked out for…that someone has me in their sights.

Sadhguru blessing me - Los Angeles, February 2011

When I think about all the times I had to watch the sun set and—comfortingly—rise again (and some days it was the setting that was the more comforting of the two), all the waves of inexplicable emotion that came to me—sometimes charging and pounding like the thundering hooves of galloping horses, other times trickling in almost imperceptibly, like a slowly leaking faucet—a part of me wishes this day would have come sooner.  But really, it couldn’t have come a moment sooner than it did. These things only happen to you when you’re ready. These past few months I've been making space...cleaning house.

It wasn’t that today’s perfect practice, or this new yoga studio, or a phone call to end an estrangement, or some indirectly guiding words from a close friend, or sharing a meal with my brother and tossing a Frisbee carelessly around the sunny lawn on a Sunday afternoon—though all perfectly pleasing things!—were themselves the cause for this experience today. The point, the important distinction, is that each thing that happened today happened in such a way as to illuminate their importance as pieces in this puzzle (my life) that I’ve been working on over the past 6-9 months.  Suddenly, I was able to make out an ocean in what was once a jumbled pile of blue-hued puzzle pieces, I saw a picture…I zoomed out, so to speak, and the scene made sense.

Imagine you are watching the Director’s Cut version of the DVD of your life…you get commentary, maybe some subtitles, maybe even some helpful montages of past scenes spliced together in such a way that you now see something you didn’t the first time around—details you missed become clear and everything takes on a new meaning in the light of this replay. That was today for me. 

 

It’s only going to get better, too. Tonight I have my final session with a woman named Patti, who is helping me open the doors I need to open in order to heal myself. (She does Reconnective Healing.) This week, working with Patti, has been the first time on this painful road that I actually took responsibility for my suffering and stopped feeling victimized. This is not to say that I blame myself for what’s happened to me, but simply to acknowledge that I believe I am the only one who can save me. I imagine this new outlook on my physical issues will be a lot more emotionally challenging for me than blaming someone or something else…but then again, as Sadhguru says, accepting responsibility doesn’t bind you, it only frees you more.

So here’s to being free. Here’s to healing, here’s to acceptance, to hunger. Here’s to love, to connecting to the life we’re living, to diminishing our “selves” and rising up to our fullest potential.  And here’s to doing it with perfect fearlessness—the fearlessness that comes with knowing that everything we experience is a part of something much bigger. Today proved that. 

(thanks to all who shared it with me! xx -e)